Rabu, 13 Juli 2016

Tulisan Teman

this sentimental post might reveal the melancholic side of me which has been hidden most of the times. the content of this post was utterly contemplated during this week holiday due to eid mubarak celebration. as a matter of fact, the whole thinking process was initiated only by listening some part of lyric from bara suara. as simple as that. I would delete this post as soon as I consider myself have made peace wholeheartedly with my own mind.

“saat kau menerima dirimu dan berdamai dengan itu, kau menari dengan waktu tanpa ragu yang membelenggu”
I guess the most irritating part in putting my ass on the car seat while enjoying the breathtaking view during my journey back to trenggalek was the pondering part in which I just could not stop my mind from wandering on anything. it included about wondering where my ex-lover has been and up to when I passed his origin area, that only took 2,5 hours drive from mine. ever since I left him ruthlessly, the guilty feeling still clouds my mind. being a selfish prick has become my source of guilt. yet, at that time, I –who just stepped on 23, and got home from my Indochina trip– craved for more freedom that I thought I could not gain as spouse of someone who joined Air Force since I never projected him being part of Air Force. I met him years ago during my college, we were such a perfect match with sharing sort of similar hobbies, taste of music, weird demeanour, idealism, thoughts, coincidences, and even he also keens on reading indonesia literature (I think he still is). despite the long distance that made me really appreciate our meeting and his efforts in regularly sending me letters, postcards, and his artworks, what I loved about him more was his struggle for enforcing his idealism and interest in human rights concerning child’s rights. I had never known about his attraction in joining state’s security, all I knew was his naive perspective in seeing this world through human rights perspective. it was an unconscious acts, but little he knew, that I fully supported him plunging in human rights field and just kept telling him to be part of that. however, then, I was busy with my undergraduate thesis and I never discussed anything about his future.
my bad. I mean, if only I accompanied him during his tough time searching for his career and convinced him just stay as a regular civil person and strengthen our role as civil society. unfortunately, no, I did not get the chance to do it. the same thing applied when I left him in december. as welcoming my 20s something, I really pondered about everything. I still wanted to be part of civil society and I found that I could not stand any longer in undergoing long distance. moreover, during my travel, I was hit by thoughts, like an empty feeling, or sort of questions “do I really know him? (since I realised that I dominated our whole conversations, and he found a comfort on writing about himself)” “do I love him?” “do I wanna receive him in good or bad days?”. based on those sudden doubts and some things I could not put in here, I took an enormous decision for leaving him. so rude, but I thought that it should be over as soon as possible as I discovered that we both had a different path to walk. so, perhaps, he could find a new lover then get married .
I comprehended I did something really pernicious when days after, he sent me an e-mail and soon after that I could not find him on social media. no trace at all. yet, I thought I would do the same with him because darling, memory is a really hazardous thing. until now, I push my effort to put aside my memory about him on things I did together or places I went together. that is hard because I don’t know why we had gathered so many experiences together in the past. from an abrupt visit to a local night market to fallen stars gazing in a freezing night, and etc. even now, I still could recall all of my events with him. therefore, those memories eat me inside. we gained a lot of remarkable experiences. the daunting moments are when I just could not get rid all of them. the more I want to forget, the more I remember. I guess I also experience a little trauma since I could not do things I used to do when we were together because it would leave me in tears. for instance, as simple as I could not longer to listen to Beirut – Postcards From Italy, or Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros – Home, and etc. the worst part is, I could not write anymore since writing in hands for telling stories marks the top of my memory –thanks to him, I never knew my ability to write in a long long pharagraph–.
I once dated a man who also share some similarities with me, but one day, I accidentally re-read all of his letters and postcards which I buried them in a box. the worst thing was, soon after that, I left him. it depicted how fragile I was with “why everything reminds me of you”. that sucked. moreover, to date, I have dated a man whom I secretly admire for his brilliant brain as one of “high-profile” human rights activists. this time, I get the chance to influence him to be on this track just because he is so excellent on this field. I don’t wanna repeat my mistake. nevertheless, my new relationship does not come with ease. there are a lot of arguments, since we share less similarity except passion for eating and good communication. now, I even embrace tough problems, which are different culture and different faith. not to mention my failures in pursuing scholarships, my future ambitions, my current work, etc. I have had enough problems to opine about.
then, the urge to make peace within myself from my haunting memory in the past is derived from within. living in the shadow of past memory really exhausting. all of my method in just-try-not-to-remember do not work at all. I don’t want bugging his life anymore and I am sure, neither does he.
I am very sorry with my bad demeanour in the past, but please God, just make it stop, it has started to eat my mind alive.

or perhaps, I just need, more time.
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